2007 October 25, Thursday.

you people ran me off my own blog

i don't know if i'll stick to this, but right now, i feel like i've been run off my own blog.

i kind of feel like the plan is not to blog again until i get the new one up, and that thing isn't exactly easy to configure.

if you want to know if i'm okay or if i'm even still here, you're going to have to ask from now on until that thing gets put up.

buttpaw said that everyone on here was afraid of me. that was not my intention. it's not my fault that i'm so undermedicated that i don't know psychotic crap isn't funny to everyone else.

i can't configure the new blog alone. andrew has personal things to do, and has to work and study, so he doesn't have time to fuck with a blog. tim gets paid 100$/hr, but doesn't seem interested in configuring this thing for me.

until whenever. maybe you people won't be scared of me anymore. maybe you'll start caring about what i have to say. maybe i'll stop being so fucking dizzy all the time.

have a nice nap.

goodbye. it was nice knowing you, and i hope we meet again.

when i say i'm alone, it's not because i'm being pretentious and want attention. it's because i am alone, and only mia understands that. mia and daddy and duncan and andrew. everyone's too busy for me but daddy on the phone and my cat.

i am alone.

who knew i could cry over losing a freaking vanity blog? i miss buttpaw, and i miss dale. hell, i even miss katia- she was fun to laugh at.

i feel like i am going to throw up.

mia doesn't understand crying, she just knows when to nuzzle mommy.

i'm going to miss you. i don't know for how long because i don't know if you'll come back when lifetype goes up. the new blog is called "ramble".

this makes me sick somewhere deep.

"I owe my life to the people that I love."

"Everyone on the blog is afraid of you."

"I agree with Kieran and Art. I give up on you."

it all brings me back to the point of fact- nothing i can ever do will ever be good enough.

"Freedom comes when you learn to let go."

i chmod-ed the comments. have fun staring at code.

"Always felt like I was outside, looking in on you."

i wish i could shut the fuck up.

i'm gonna turn
and walk away
you can wait
till i am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if i were gone
i want to hear you
call my name
it's too easy
just to say it soft
i don't like my language
watered down
i don't like my edges
rounded off

i can't always wait
for your circumstance to improve
love is loose it
shifts each time you move
go ahead, put my back
against the wall
give it all up
or don't give it to me at all
you never know this could be
our last night
so step back
step back into the light
so i can see your silhouette
i'm not done looking yet

save the profile for the camera
give me your eye to eye
i know all your secrets
and you know all of mine
mostly i don't go
for the soft focus and the fantasy
i need something real
i can think
and say and see so

i'm going to turn
and walk away
you wait till i am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if i were gone
yes i'm going to turn
and walk away
you can watch me go
or you can make me stay
-Ani DiFranco
"Make Me Stay

it's not like leaving forever hasn't crossed my mind once, oh, say, every ten minutes or so... even before i got kicked off my own blog...

i have to go throw up.

yes, goodbye, it is.

EOF

Blathered by spinster @ 08:16 PM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [COMMENT, DAMNIT!]

not that stupid

but the law is, and people are.

it takes TWENTY YEARS before the first symptom, and NO ONE bothered to read my MORE text that said,
"ROTFL! I SWEAR. I CRACK ME UP!" (meaning, "yo, morons, this is a JOKE!)

you're right, dale, people wouldn't take that as a joke, even though i am NOT going to scotland, i am NOT going to houston, and i am NOT going to manilla....

kill my fun, already, stupid people (not you, dale.)

besides, i spent last night blocking ips...

Blathered by spinster @ 10:33 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [COMMENT, DAMNIT!]

2007 October 23, Tuesday.

in case you guys didn't know...

"she's the boss of me" means that gnome hiding bug, mia.

ask whoever's been over here at bedtime- she stands in the hallway and tells me to go to bed. it's not rocket science or animal psychology- it's a tiny cat with a loud mouth going in and out of the bedroom door really fast when i walk past it during the hours of x-y.

she tells me what to do, pretty much 24/7 because... she's the boss of me...

Blathered by spinster @ 02:22 PM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [16 comments]

it's a cardassian!

they don't care. they're morons. they'll come back next week. "well, huh... it was a cardassain last week... i'll bet she changed it to eric raymond this week!" those idiots think i don't watch them? god...

also, my support network called me a drug addict. that was fun.

don wants to know if i work at google yet. i thought i was going to die. he and i are like the last 2 of us who are both still in the country and not working for google. i wonder what he'll say about balug and the marshmallow peeps that i can't actually post here, but you can probably guess. i blew up on a list again this morning. it's MRSA or change the site this time. god. freaking IDIOTS. (they're making me into napoleon dynamite. what does that say about them and me and them in general?) (i'd rather be queen of the marshmallow peeps because...)

yeah. my support network called me a drug addict!

"you invaded poland!"

i crack me the hell up- cardassians- that's so much better than monkey babushkas... i almost got this perverted GIMPified thing of garak and bashir, but no... that would be to close to their minds, you know?

also, all of you people who dig around in the blog comments all day, but don't say anything really need to go. assholes. voyeurs.

i sound like donald rumpsfeld- "hey you kids- get off my lawn!" (that was is foreign policy, you know?)

imma go watch the apache tail show again...

Blathered by spinster @ 01:11 PM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [11 comments]

2007 October 22, Monday.

the gui made me insane

i just put a capture in wireshark for 24 hours from the pseudo devise. that's about 15,000 lines in under 5 minutes. somebody better come over here and watch my ass while i analyze that traffic wednesday morning! (uh... afternoon... evening... thursday...) that capture makes wireshark scroll like tcpdump!

buttpaw: THE INTERWEBS are making me ADD!

god... the freaking pseudo devise grabs localhost... insane in the membrane... it took something like 2-3 minutes just to delete the 300,000 line capture... OMFG... i'm making my own car wreck home video... it's net traffic "crash" with james spader...

i started it at 8:30. it just past 40,000... somebody better cat that fucker > /dev/null when i'm not watching... uh, oh... i better cut off all access to this box while i'm sleeping... vim /etc/passwd... i # # # ZZ

...and whoever you are... i haven't |grep filename |wc -l my access.log, but you sick fuckers really like looking at me kissing eric in atlanta 7 years ago, don'cha? christ, i am so replacing that photo with monkeys or babies or mia or beckett or babushka or gates or ooh! i've got it! cardassians!... access this!

i'm on 80,000... it's 8:50... i've got a meat mallet and a screw driver- somebody come give me a lobotomy!

Blathered by spinster @ 08:50 PM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [4 comments]

i was asleep, but now, i'm not...

anyone ever read sartre's Essays In Existentalism or Being and Nothingness?

i was asleep, but now, i'm not asleep... i'm awake...

hal? pod bay doors?

don't anybody even think about saying that crap in front of weyoun. he's got a microphone and no-train speech req on him... i don't know what he's going to do. you have to whisper in my house because there's a win box with a microphone in here!

"we're not hitch hiking anymore, we're riding!"

i am ren.

Blathered by spinster @ 03:25 PM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [2 comments]

2007 October 21, Sunday.

i can't blog! i'm laughing too hard!

the hypomania/psychotic episode is over & i'm in the tired/depressive phase. i have alot to write, but am too tired to write it. i'm too tired to do anything at all rational...

i just looked in the refrigerator, and said, "you know, that's not where your email is!"

it's really annoying to have rational thoughts while lying on the couch, but the inability to do anything about them. actually, it's kind of annoying to have rational thoughts in the first place, but let's not really venture into that particular philosophy right now. it's not "naked lunch" time again... yet...

i wish i had the attention span of a moron so that i could be happy watching fucking daytime television or some shit... as it is, i'm lying on the couch, thinking about the aspects of what it means to actually BE in the science field, and what it feels like to get stabbed in the back and taken down by another mystery scientist the first time around because scientists do that to each other on somewhat weather-like sort of basis. keep your mouth shut, keep your facts straight, document all data, and have a backup for everything. that's all you can do, but someone is going to somehow take your ass down...

but it's better than doing anything at all with or in PUBLIC. (imagine that's in ron white's little smart-ass voice- that's how it's said in my head.)

i gotta go lie down before i fall out of this chair. i don't know what i'm going to do. i should watch some tv instead of the backs of my eyelids... i should focus on something else other than my brain. i should bed lobotomized. i need to turn off the wit and wisdom of biology and chemistry one-liners and watch some fucking kevin smith or some shit. joss whedon humor is just too intellectual. i beg to be stupid.

fuck, dude, i used the contractor speech from "clerks" yesterday to explain how personal politics effect the file system on my linux box. shit. ext3, etx3... goddamnit... kevin smith is too high brow for me...

what am i going to do?

I NEED SOME STUPIDITY.

fuck it, i'll settle for crass brutality. i'm watching shakespeare's "titus" with anthony hopkins. nothing says "stupid" like a big bowl of shakespeare- it's not like the masses of the freaking 1500's were nobel laureates, you know- who did that man appeal to? i want season tickets to the theater so that i can throw boogers on all those rich people who think shakespeare is "class". no, dude, read some fucking history, you moron! who did that man appeal to?. romeo and juliet weren't in love- they were fourteen year olds who wanted to fuck. end of story. i knew that one when i was twelve.

i love me some shakespeare. you can't get lower or base than that man!

"titus andronicus!"

i feel better now. stupid refrigerator.

Blathered by spinster @ 03:21 PM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [2 comments]

2007 October 19, Friday.

repeat until insane

tail -f access.log. screaming. paranoid. pissed. weirded out. worse than googling myself. wish i could stop. can't. ooc ocd. don't really know what else to say... can't really express this feeling... i mean, how much isaner (love those made-up words) CAN i get?

Blathered by spinster @ 11:04 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [5 comments]

check out this review i just posted on amazon...

The Thinker's Thesaurus

I only own one other thesaurus (The Oxford American Writer's Thesaurus as a comparison, however, I do not begin to fathom how this waste of forestry can begin to claim to call itself a thesaurus. Each entry begins with a nonsensical semi-paragraph of something almost related to the word in question, taking you on an annoying Hunter S. Thompson-esque search for the meaning behind what you were initially seeking.

I was insulted by the lack of quality content of this book for supposed "thinkers." I truly believe that this work should be thus for dubbed "The Stoner's Word Ramble on Heavy Hallucinogenics."

Do not waste your money, time, neurotransmitters, or patience- if you want an equally resourceful thesaurus, steal you kid's.

yeah, i tried looking up a couple of words this afternoon, but didn't really notice anything weird, except for the lack of content and large font. i just got home a little while ago & tested the thing by flipping through it. uh-huh. something went flying across the room... there was yelling and alot of pointing and alot of "tee ta dee, motherfucker!" going on.

guess you'd understand if you really know how much i love words. guess you know how much i love words if you've been a reader for awhile or you've been to writings.html & checked out how far back my writing shit goes, you know? that, and quotes.html...

on another note, i was just telling xavier a couple of SMALL points about THIS episode of hypomania and a couple of former reactions from dr. dickhead & dr. mostly useless saying, "so?" to my "i haven't slept for days." thing. the idea that those sub-class, anti-existence wastes of fucking hydrogen are in "health care" & literally, actually TOOK THE HIPPOCRATIC OATH, and were supposedly "helping" me "mentally," but actually turned me into a psychotic potential murderer... literally made me foam at the fucking mouth. i scared myself totally, completely, utterly, absolutely, positively, astoundingly, and helplessly SHITLESS. i foamed at the mouth at the thought of what psychiatrists have done to me in the past.

what i was saying at the time it happened was something like, "fuck piano wire- it's cat 5. i've got fucking endurance. that shit's fat, it's not going to fucking cut you, motherfucker. i own a GUN, you're gonna pray to have a glimpse at it. you'll never see my gun. if i get the chance to kill you for what you've done to me, i'm using household cleaners and tweezers it will take you weeks to die, motherfucker."

i went to them for help. look what they did to me. who says shit like that? who fucking drools on themselves over shit like that? what the fuck did those bastards do to me? why did i ever trust them so much?

i found my lithium in a drawer when i was looking for the sungular. i'm not flushing it until i get my camera back from duncan tomorrow. i just wish i had more shit to flush down the toilet. (yeah, shit like ripped out fingernails & molars...)

i'm starting to think a thesaurus would do me more harm than good. what do you think? i mean... uh... i just looked at the above words, and, um... well, yeah... them's some baaaaadddd words... i don't think a thesaurus could make those words any better, you know?

"There's not a word for what I want to do to you."

i'm going back to doing my voice training on dragon on weyoun...

Blathered by spinster @ 01:43 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [COMMENT, DAMNIT!]

2007 October 18, Thursday.

mark it on your calendar- we have a new holiday

i've stopped trying to figure out what it is, and to just celebrate it. i've stopped trying to pick a date, and just picked one.

October 8, 2008 will be the first A.S. holiday to celebrate those people out there with those initials who have sort of preternatural ability to calm me the fuck down.

USSR A.S. i know it doesn't seem like it when i'm flipping the fuck out, but i have always, and i hope will always feel some sort of inner peace- i feel like i'm "safe" when you're around.

USA A.S. i've decided that you emit some sort of X-Files type calmative gas through your pores or something. duncan said that you just do that to people & it's not just me.

so, october 8- my mental hospital day becomes your day. i'll bake a super dark fudge cake with coffee icing, we'll drink rice milk, and take a walk along the beach. that'll be A.S. day. sort of like a quelude for the soul.

xoxoxoxo

;-)

Blathered by spinster @ 09:13 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [6 comments]

Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
-Samuel Beckett, "Wostword Ho"

i TRIED to go to bed at something like 8. fail better.

all i can really think right now is, "i could see the squirrels, and they were married."

i fucking hate rabies-carrying-dog-looking-randomly-cannibalistic squirrels...

Blathered by spinster @ 02:36 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)] [3 comments]

2007 October 17, Wednesday.

fuck... me... running...

i got up at a decent time this morning. i was planning on going to bed 5 hours ago.

ok. everybody out there with a computer. ping bomb sourceforge from the hours of 00:00 until 06:30 so that mae ling can get some sleep.

MOTHERFUCKING SOURCEFORGE!

IMMA DIE! I SWEAR! IMMA DIE!

goddamned php doesn't even fucking work...

Blathered by spinster @ 05:03 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)] [2 comments]

2007 October 14, Sunday.

aparently, it would seem, i'm awake again

i dreamed i was in africa with neil marshall & there were all these guys with guns... AND I GOT TO USE MY GUN ON PEOPLE! we were counting tse tse flies like on those slides he showed us in 1998. i dreamed i also had a .357. hmmm...

i dreamed my dad moved stuff around in the house so much i didn't have a room anymore.

i dreamed my mom ran off with all of my poetry books.

am i staying awake this time?

"here's hopin'!"

Blathered by spinster @ 08:31 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [2 comments]

2007 October 13, Saturday.

dark magic october

i woke up this morning, watched a little tv. faded went back to sleep. just now woke up again. don't plan on staying that way long.

i dreamed that i ripped my dad's tv apart for giving away all my wedding dress material to margaret. i dreamed that ming could fold up into a ball, then bounce all over the place. i dreamed that my mom got arrested for forging oxycodone. i dreamed dad gave all my shit away & i was the only one who could get my mom out of jail, but we were having a big thanksgiving party. there were a bunch of etruscins there. i dreamed i wanted to go pick shrooms for a friend. i didn't think we were that far from californina if priscilla and shannon and everybody was there.

fucked up dreams better than an okay awake?

always.

i'm out of toast. i have to go out tomorrow.

i'm going to try and go back to sleep. at least. hal's turning off the lights & i'm lying on the couch.

Blathered by spinster @ 08:25 PM PST [Link] [Karma: 1 (+/-)] [COMMENT, DAMNIT!]

avalon caught a mouse

glad he's happy at my parents' house. he actually caught an un-drugged mouse. dad said he played with it forever until he gave the order for mom to throw it away. guess he finally grew up after 10 years.

kieran: i think i found the eel
me: how?
kieran: the cat's attacking a shoe string

Blathered by spinster @ 08:19 AM PST [Link] [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [4 comments]

2007 October 12, Friday.

I am Jack's complete waste of time.

i didn't do anything today. watched movies. stared. fell asleep. "naked lunch" (again), "wax," "eraserhead," and now it's back to normal with "fight club."

i'm not leaving the couch.

got to go at least sunday to give ah-ma her flu shot.

Blathered by spinster @ 07:47 PM PST [Link] [Karma: -1 (+/-)] [COMMENT, DAMNIT!]

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Words dissemble, words be quick, words resemble walking sticks.
-Jim Morrison

The House of Yes